Just Cuz
by Devil of My Family
Summary: There's not much time left to say everything that needs to be said, to tell everything there is to tell and know everything there is to know.


AN: I won't have time to write a long story... So this is what I managed. It's written in couple of hours so I don't know if it's any good... Hope you like it.

Warnings: Language. (My own language is not English so sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes...)

SPOILERS OF THE THIRDS SEASON, SPECIALLY OF THE EPISODE FRESH BLOOD!

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural

--

"I've looked up to you since I was four! Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother!"

--

Four year old Sam could be a lot to handle. He could refuse to go to day care, he could refuse to leave there, he could refuse to eat his dinner, he could refuse to go wash up, he could refuse to fall asleep. Hell, Dean couldn't think of anything that he couldn't refuse.

But that was only when Sam was having a bad day. Today seemed to be a good day. Quiet, at least. He was sitting on his bed, his head cocked a little and he watched Dean do his homework. Sam knew he didn't like doing it. He only did it because John made him to. Sam didn't know why Dean didn't like it, though. Something like 'history' sounded quiet fascinating to Sam's ears. Though to Sam's ears, 'history' was still just a funny word.

Dean seemed to know Sam was watching him as he looked up from his book and cocked his eyebrow. "What?"

"Nothing", Sam said shrugging and he fell back first on the bed. He knew that would make Dean come to him, maybe play with him a while before he had to go to sleep. And sure enough Sam could hear Dean shut his book and then footsteps that stopped as Dean kneeled down next to the bed.

"Tired?" Dean asked, smiling a little.

"No", Sam said, turning to his side. "Can we play?"

"It's quite late, Sammy."

"A story?"

Dean sighed, his smile never fading and sat on the bed. Sam got up to sit on his knees and he got as close to Dean as he could without sitting on his lap. "What to you wanna hear about?" Dean asked.

"History."

"You wanna hear a story about history?"

"Maybe. What's it about?" Sam asked.

"Uh… It's about things that happened a long ago", Dean answered, quite confused about Sam's sudden interest towards the subject.

"Oh… so why is it boring?"

"Huh?"

"You always whine to Daddy that history is boring. Why's it boring?"

"Uh… I don't know. I guess I just have a crappy teacher", Dean said.

"You said a naughty word!" Sam pointed out. "Daddy's gonna get mad."

"Dad's not here, is he? So I can do whatever I wan. Like tickle you 'til you scream or say naughty words. Dad can't say 'no'. He's not here. I'm the man of the house. "

Sam wasn't stupid. Dean could look like he didn't care, anyone else could think he was fine, but Sam was smarter than that. Even in his young four year old mind he could tell that Dean was scared. He didn't know what he was scared about, but he knew Dean was scared. And that made him… weird.

"What if I tell Daddy when he comes back?" Sam said.

"I would kick your ass."

"You said a naughty word again! I'm gonna tell!"

"Yeah, right. Like Dad would care. He's coming back from a hunt, he's probably exhausted. He won't care less."

Dean was being stupid. Of course their Dad would care! He was very strict about it. No swearing. Why would he not care? Sam made a mental note to make Dean's swearing John's first priority once he came back. He could also tell about the other times when Dean had swore when John wasn't around. Dean didn't seem to care about his language when they were alone, Sam realized. Why, Sam didn't know.

"I think it's time for bed, little man", Dean said suddenly, pulling Sam out of his thoughts.

"No! Five more minutes, please!"

"Nuh-uh, Sammy. The sooner you fall asleep, sooner Dad'll get home. Now get under the covers."

Sam pouted but allowed himself to be tucked in, nonetheless. "You didn't tell me the story."

"I'll tell you tomorrow, okay? Good night now."

"Will you be awake when Daddy gets home?"

"Probably. Why?"

"Can't I stay awake with you? Like a big boy!"

"He comes in too late, Sammy. Now go asleep."

"Please, Dean?"

"No!" Dean snapped. Sam blinked. "Just go to sleep. You'll meet him in the morning."

--

"It's okay, Dad, I got you."

"Oh, dear Lord, fuck, damn…"

"It's okay, Dad. You're gonna be alright. I'll help you."

Dean's heart was pounding painfully fast as he helped John on the bed. He glanced at the little boy sleeping peacefully on the other bed and could not help but feel happy that Sam didn't see this.

Once Dean had given John two painkillers and made sure the wounds didn't bleed too badly, he got onto the bed next to Sam. He lied awake, unable to go asleep, listening to his father's breathing, making sure it didn't stop.

Suddenly Dean felt an arm on his chest. Sam had snuggled close to him and his breathing, that had been even a minute ago, wasn't so even anymore.

"I wanna help _you_, Dean."

_You're not alone, together we stand _

_I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand _

_When it gets cold, and it feels like the end _

_There's no place to go, you know I won't give in_

--

"So yeah, I know you! Better than anyone else in the world! And this is exactly how you at when you're terrified. And I wish you'd just drop the act and be my brother again, cuz…"

--

Sam had no idea just how deep his words had cut into Dean. Dean had never realized just how many years Sam had watched Dean go from mood to mood, switch from hunter to brother, turn from son to soldier. He had always thought he knew Sam from head to toes. He had never thought Sam could know him so well, too.

Dean too a sip of his beer and watched Sam work on his car. That sight made him realize better than anything: he was dying. If Sam had to take care of his car, that meant that this was it. Dean wasn't coming out of this one.

And he had accepted that, by giving the control to Sam. Even if the control meant only that Sam was responsible of getting their only vehicle fixed.

_Keep holding on _

_Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

_Just stay strong _

_Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you_

There was a lump in Sam's throat. He was fixing Dean's car! How messed up was that?! Dean might have been terrified, but Sam wasn't that far from panicking himself. Dean was dying. He was going away! He was giving his car to Sam!

Suddenly the air seemed to stuck in Sam's lungs. He backed away from the engine and dropped the tool he had been holding to the ground. He was fixing Dean's car! Dean was leaving him. Alone. He wasn't going to come back. And Sam didn't know how to stop it.

"Sammy?"

_There's nothing you can say_

_Nothing you can do _

_There's no other way when it comes to the truth_

_So - keep holding on_

_Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

"This is your car!" Sam almost yelled. Dean raised his eyebrows. "It's your car, Dean! I can't… I don't want to fix it! It's yours! It should always be yours! How am I suppose to be able to drive it when you're… I mean… I can't! It's yours!"

Dean was in loss of words. What was he suppose to say? That it was Sam's now? It wasn't. Not yet anyway. It would be in a while. But not yet.

The six feet that kept the boys apart seemed the longest road Dean had ever seen. Sam was still looking at the Impala like it could explode any minute and he didn't seem to notice Dean taking hesitant steps towards him. There were tears in his eyes. Again. Just like everytime when they talked about this. It made Dean's heart ache harder everytime he saw it. Sam wasn't suppose to feel hurt.

"It's not over yet", Dean said carefully when he reached Sam. "My year's not over yet."

_So far away, I wish you were here _

_Before it's too late, this could all disappear _

_Before the doors close, and it comes to an end _

_With you by my side I will fight and defend_

"It will be…" Sam said quietly.

"Yeah…" Dean replied, looking at the ground.

"Am I suppose to cope with that?"

"Well, yeah…"

"How can I? Dean, how… How did you cope? When I died?"

Dean swallowed. He didn't want to remember that. "I… Not… Not well…" he finally said.

"So why am I suppose to cope just fine? It's not fair, Dean!"

"No. It's not. But just hear me out, okay? You've got a life to live, Sam. No, just listen!" he said when Sam opened his mouth. "You do! College and all that… crap. I know it hurts without Jess but you can have a life! Again. Okay?"

_Hear me when I say__, when I say I believe _

_Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny_

_Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly_

"Hurts after Jess?"

"…"

"Do you have any idea how much it hurt to leave the first time?!"

"I… I thought you were happy to leave…"

"I was! But not from you! All I did was cry in the bus when I left. All I could think about was that you wouldn't cry. You would be strong and you would be disappointed to see me cry. And that just made me cry more! I couldn't be like you! I was selfish and weak… And it freaking hurt! I wanted to call you, I wanted you to part of it. But I was afraid. And now… I thought that if I would go back, I'd do it differently, I would make you part of that life. Now I can't. And _that_hurts. Even more than last time. Even more than Jess! So you can just guess how much!

_Keep holding on _

_Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

_Just stay strong _

_Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you _

_There's nothing you can say_

_Nothing you can do _

_There's no other way when it comes to the truth_

_So - keep holding on_

_Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

"Sammy…"

Dean didn't know what to do. He had never heard a confession like this, from anyone. Sam was hurting. And that hurt Dean even more than his own fear.

The tears in Sam's ran down now. They hadn't before. Sam had kept them in. Maybe there were too many of them to keep from falling anymore. Or maybe Sam was just tired.

"Sam… I… I'm sorry, okay? For what you're going through. I'm sorry that I won't see your future, your wife, your kids… But I'm not sorry I did it. I had to do it. Maybe it was selfish, I don't know, but I had to. To keep myself sane. To keep this world, my world, moving. Trust me, I know it hurts. But you'll get over it. You're a lot more like me than you think. You're a whole lot better than I am."

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes you are, Sammy. Don't try to argue with me about that."

"Dean!" Sam didn't know what went into him. He could blame it on the exhaustion… He hugged Dean. Just to feel him there. He wasn't gone yet. Not yet. They still had time. Dean had to know that. Dean stiffened for a moment but then he seemed to think 'oh what the hell' and hugged Sam back. Sam let out a little sob. "You… you can't…"

"I can't what?"

"You can't give me your car."

"Why?"

"Because… Just cuz…

--

"…just cuz."

--

the end

AN: Lyrics: Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne (from the movie Eragon) Quotes: Supernatural, Fresh Blood


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